Blowing Black and/or White Smoke Up Our Ass

I am not a morning person. In fact, I usually have to finish my first cup of coffee before I can even create coherent sentences or pretend to be a pleasant person at all. So there I was, Tuesday morning, squinty, half-awake, swilling back a cup of Peet's Major Dickason's and trying not to hurl barbed invectives at my partner Mike, who is (of course) a total morning person. Mike wakes up happy, sunshiney, perky... which of course makes my mornings as a non-morning person usually just a bit more painful.

Anyway, back to the point, Mike is watching the Today show and playing with our cat (who's also unpleasant first thing in the morning - but he enjoys torturing both of us). Let me say for the record, watching the Today Show upon first waking up is probably the last thing I should do in the morning. I am constantly mumbling snide comments at Katie, Matt, Al and the gang and grumbling about the incredibly inane state of overly packaged, consumable American media.

Once, Katie Couric interviewed Laura Bush during the last election and I vomited for one straight hour afterward.

And Willard Scott?! What's the point? I don't get it, why is he still alive?

There is a palatable, yet hard to describe reaction I get whenever I watch the Today show. It's too sacchrine, too "soft-hitting", too annoying... anyway, fodder for a future post. Back to subject.

Anyway, so this particular morning the Today Show is live in Vatican City with close up shots of a tiny smokestack atop the Sistine Chapel. Priests and cardinals are being interviewed, the process of new papal electioneering is discussed ad naseum, television cameras pan the gathered thousands of faithful. (And I could swear I saw a group of gay men huddled together, wearing mardi gras beads and waving a rainbow flag.... probably some vacationing queens who think they're in Amsterdam.)

The mood of the crowd is strangely overly-festive. I kept waiting for one of the annoyingly, overly-peppy "morning-news-hosts" to introduce the Radio City Rockettes, who would of course burst on to stage in cardinal-esque gowns and start kicking up their heels and twirling along, while Katie, Matt and Al humorously trying to join in.

But for some reason, NBC exercised some restraint during this particular broadcast. We are awaiting the announcement of a New Pope. I was hoping beyond hope that they would annoint some youngish, hot Latin cardinal from a Central or South American country. His devilish good looks (probably not an appropriate way to describe a potnetially handsome pope) would rivet world attention. His first papal announcement would be delivered with a really hot accent, with just a hint of a lisp. He will announce sweeping reforms within the Church: women can enter the priesthood, priests can marry, queers can marry, queers can be priests, queer priests can marry each other. My mind, suddenly zooming from the needed caffeine fix, is now whirling with all the possibilities.

Alas...

On this, the second day of world-wide media smoke watching the end approaches: "Here comes the smoke! Is it white? Is it black? Wait it's more of a charcoal gray actually? It looked white when it started, but now it's turning kind of blackish. We have reports that the smoke should be white, but, it's actually kind of... grey"

"We are getting confirmation from Vatican Radio [Vatican Radio, what the fuck kind of music do they play???] that the smoke is indeed white, but there aren't any accompanying bells which should be ringing, if indeed the new pope has been selected.... oh wait... We have bells! We have a new pope"

So, eventually the name is announced and they trudge out this really, really old white guy who looks kind of harmless and friendly enough, despite the fact that his is from Germany. My vision of a hot Latin pope is dashed from my imagination.

But here's the blowing-smoke-up-our-ass thing: this guy is the absolute worst choice they could possibly have made. The vanguard of hard-line church doctrine. This is the guy who has consistently squashed all attempts of liberalizing any church policies or doctrines. His nickname at the Vatican is actually "Cardinal Panzer" because he is so tuff and unrelenting. He was in the Hitler Youth during World War II! He's referred to gays and lesbians as intrisically evil! He directed American archdioceses to withhold communion from pro-choice American politicians, especially John Kerry. Withholding communion, because of someone's political beliefs, not actions, but beliefs! He really, really went after John Kerry. Priests were directed to tell their congregants to not vote for Kerry or any pro-choice candidates. This guy, very much wanted Bush to get re-elected. How papal is that?

On second glance, this guy actually looks like the evil scary Emperor from the Star Wars movies, especially whenever he smiles? Not old, affable,l likeable, paternal at all, but like malignant evilness. What's wrong with people, this guy used to be a Nazi and now he's pope!

We should name him Darth Benedict XVI!

There's no way you're going to see women in the priesthold during his reign. No cooperation and honesty from the Church in any priestly pedophile investigations. Gays and Lesbian will continue to be villified. The destructive and un-Christian policies of Bush and friends will be embraced and supported.

Unbelievable! Were most of these cardinals from Florida or something? Were flawed butterfly ballots involved? Did the Swift Boat Papists for Truth circulate any untrue revelations about any of his cardinal opposition? Was Karl Rove running his campaign?

Oh, but he's full of love and compassion... and lots of ideas of how to blow more smoke up our ass I'm sure!