Lexus Nexus: Celebrities Meat Self-Image

My brilliant friend at H&F started a blog on "Celebreties who remind us of Diseases" and suggested that the next extrapolation would be "Celebreties who remind us of Meat Products". But for the sake of upper brow genuflecting (oh my god, I typed "genu-felching" and had to retype the appropriate word) I thought I should add room for social observation as well.

Note: Celebreties have assistants, personal trainers, chefs, y0ga gurus, accountants, a veritable plethora of people who help them be, who they transmit to the rest of us - with a lot of help from the media. We won't even the mention plastic surgery.

[Darn, guess this means I'm probably going to loose Michael Jackson as a reader now.]

The rest of are constantly forced to look at interviews, at photo-shots: at photos of them on remote island beach vacations, multi-million dollar weddings, extravagant p.r productions and then we have to try to make peace with ourselves. All the while, they try to sell us tennis shoes, clothes, home decorations, breast implants... It's all about the marketing of marginally usefull or completely useless consumer products.

For instance, years ago (when I still had a 30-inch waist and more hair, when it was still mostly brownish-blonde) I used to think that if I met George Michael, in my high tops and baggy "Choose Life" t-shirt with my shorty-shorty short-shorts that we would be instantly drawn to one another and live happily ever after. He would stare, post-coitally, into my eyes and say "Andrew Ridgley! What was I thinking!?"

And at that time I was filled with angst over the message in the "Choose Life" T-shirt message. A friend of mine said that it was an anti-choice, anti-abortion message and that Wham was actually quite conservative. I was beside myself. The band was so cool, their music appealed to my complete new-wavey sensability. They were coiffed, tan, hot, springy, perky and rythmic. How could they possibly be trying to blind with us such awful anti-freedom rhetoric?

So out of political convection and guilt and shame I quit wearing my hard-to-acquire, new favorite t-shirt.

Which is of course fucked up. Choice is the most important aspect of being a sentient creature. So I stopped wearing the aforementioned shirt for weeks. Until I saw George Michael explain in an interview that the message wasnt' anti-choice at all, but was meant to be a message to kids entering the realm of heroin exploitation to enjoy life, but protect and save their lives.

This clarification made me love George Michael even more because of his message of life, his hippness, his tanned muscular legs, his bouncy behaving hair, his glow-in-the-dark lip gloss.

Everything was now perfect. Politics and sexual craving wer enlined.

This isn't always the case, but we all do this...


We all do this. We all have celebreties that we want to be, or to do, or jsut to look like from time to time...

Rock stars, movie stars, porn stars, literary stars, political stars...

And we also have celebreties who repel and repulse us.

What defines a person more? The Celebreties we are love, or those we despise? And what of those at verrying degrees in-between. If my partner Mike and I had to take the "Top 10 Celeberities We Hate" test we might not be together now. It's so different, yet so meaningful on so many levels.

But really, one way or the other, celebraties are all just meat.

So this blog is all about celebreties and the meat products which remind us of them ( To Kelly with smiles and winks):

Al Pacino --- Italian Sausage
(enogh said, he is sex personified)

Danny DeVito --- Vienna Sausage
(no interpretation required)

Martha Stewart --- Pig's Feet
(partly because she would be completely horrified by the pig's feet analogy, and partly, come on, it totally makes you think of the ankle bracelet.)

Donald Trump --- Breaded Veal Cutlet
(See previous postings about what I really think of the Trumpster as a sub-human: pounded slabs of veal taken from enslaved, constrained, helpless, under-developed calves seem a perfect fit for him).

Paula Abdula --- clearly a Chicken McNuggett
(no discussion) Except, it's a Chicken McNuggett dropped on the floor of your Ford Pinto as you're driving along listening to R.E.O. Speedwagon, and by the time the big-haired ballad has ran it's course, this McNugget has rolled and slided and bounced all over every nook and cranny of your Pinto. She may have flava still, her shape is pretty close to what it was, but mostly the edge is gone, she's dinged up and after all of the commotion she feels a bit like a hockey puck... to be smacked back and forth between Randy and Simon.

Carrie Underwood (of recent American Idol fame) --- Olive Loaf
(Boloney, with flecks of cheap olive and pimneto sptinkeled throughout to try to give her more flavor. Yechk, could she be more country, and christian, and limited, and preter-naturally pretty.)

Harrison Ford - --fillet mignon
He's kind of perfect. When he was young = hot. Middle aged and wise = hot. A Bit Older Now and Obviously Showing It = Still Muy Hot!!!

It's late, I'm out of ideas. Feel free to post more and pass around.

I'm trying to think of a good meat product fit for Orlando Bloom but can only come up with bacon (thin, greasy, clingly, has a lot of initial appeal, but induces guilt afterward.l....)

Hmmmm... help me out here.